SHOULD I CONTACT HALF-SIBLINGS THAT DON'T KNOW I EXIST?

Dear IRISH GRANNY,

Here is a doozy for you.

I am 60 years old, from a small, Italian family. My mother and father were married for 23 years. My mother was not monogamous in their relationship and I was conceived as a result of one of her liaisons.

DNA has verified that my biological father is not my mother’s husband, the man who raised me.

My parents are dead and I have a half-sister. I don’t see her much and we do not have a good relationship. However, I am close to my nieces and nephews.

My biological father is 83, in good health and not in my life. I have three half-siblings from him and his wife. I don’t know if they are aware of me and our genetic ties.

My dilemma is this: I have a desire to reach out to them, but I don’t want to disturb their lives.

I’m also concerned that if my half-sister, with whom I was raised, finds out that we have different fathers, she will use this as an excuse to end our relationship. I also worry about her interfering with my connection to my nieces and nephews.

How should I handle these TANGLED FAMILY TIES?

Dear TANGLED,

A doozy, indeed!

Before we begin, I have to marvel at how every family is dysfunctional to some degree, each in its own special way. We humans certainly excel at making our relationships as complicated as possible.

My heart goes out to you. This situation has got to be painful, as it puts all your closest bonds into question, including your understanding of who YOU really are.

I think it would be best to look at this disclosure from the context of who you will be telling.

It appears that you don’t have the greatest connection to the half-sister with whom you were raised. I wonder if this information would create more of a distance between you?

I imagine the fear here is that in telling HER, you might lose that closeness with your nieces and nephews. I think your decision in this case depends on their ages. If they are at least 18, they are adults and their mother should not be dictating their family interactions. If they are younger, and still under her thumb, you may want to delay this conversation until they are free to make their own choices.

Once you think the time is right, it could be helpful to address this with your sister in the context of a counseling session. That assumes she’d be willing to participate. There’s nothing like a neutral third party to help change old patterns of family dynamics. A counselor could help you navigate the conversation.

If and when you tell her children, assure them that this doesn’t change your feelings for them. Remind them that you will always love them. And you do all have DNA in common.

I’m not sure what you owe your biological father in the way of maintaining his secret. Advancing age doesn’t necessarily give him a pass. I do think it’s important to center our life decisions around doing no harm, coming from a place of compassion. He could be around for another decade and a half or more. You have to weigh the balance between trying to establish a connection with him, and the potential of blowing up his other relationships.

I believe his other children, your half-siblings, have the right to know you exist. However, this is not immediately urgent for medical reasons. I’m assuming they have accurate information about their own DNA, and that you DO share a father.

You might decide to wait until he dies before approaching these half-siblings.

The other option would be reaching out by letter, not email. You are hoping to create a tie of kinship, not a business deal. Make it personal.

You said there is the possibility that they already know about you. They surely have complicated feelings. They could be ashamed of their father’s behavior. They might resent your existence. They may fear that your introduction could upset the family dynamics. Perhaps they want to protect their mother from this.

Be prepared for whatever reaction results. They may welcome you warmly into the family fold or opt for no contact.

It’s clear that you are craving connection. Your parents are dead, your sister is emotionally distant, your biological father left you and got on with his life. And he stuck around and raised his other offspring.

That’s a lot of rejection, abandonment and loneliness.

Any choice you make is a risk.

If you approach him privately, you risk more rejection. If you approach your sister, you risk greater distance from her and potential loss of the closeness with her children that you cherish. Any overture to the other half-siblings exposes you to the risk of a variety of difficult repercussions.

This is certainly a doozy of a problem, because there are multiple people involved and several broad considerations at play.

If you take your decision from a purely psychological point of view, you are looking at not only your mental health, but the wellbeing of a number of others.

It’s a Gordian knot of difficult family dynamics.

Finally, and just as significant, is the importance of this decision to your spiritual state. If we work from the assumption that you want to do no harm, then we add another layer of complications.

I hope I’ve helped to elucidate the layers of this particularly conundrum.

Thats a fancy way of saying I think you should seek professional guidance. If you are determined to pursue this with the least damage possible, a couple of conversations with a family therapist or counselor would be valuable.

You want and need closer emotional ties in your life. You are thoughtful and kind enough to seek help about the best way to approach this.

Before you contact these close relations who are an unknown entity, protect yourself and them. Reach out for experienced, practical advice, that will provide you with the necessary tools to untangle this knot.

I wish you success in establishing closer family ties,

YOUR IRISH GRANNY

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